Bent, Not Broken: How I Learned to Love My Limitations
I know. Humans are designed to be adaptive and resilient. When we are faced with a trying situation, we eventually learn how to get over ourselves and move forward. But it’s the icky stuff in the middle that can make us crazy or leave us questioning everything we’ve tried hard to achieve or overcome.
For me, knee-jerk reaction when faced with a highly-stressful or challenging situation is to get very quiet, to isolate myself, to leave the rest of the world behind and internalize everything. I kick the dirt. I feel sorry for myself. I bitch. A. LOT. I stew in my own little crockpot of emotions. The trouble with that? I NEVER feel better. Ever.
Recently, I started kicking the dirt. After having three previous heart surgeries in the span of five years, a lousy couple weeks led to a swift decline, resulting in my being the new owner of a pacemaker. At 38 years old (for you 20-somethings, no that is NOT old).
Well, this is what I knew. I knew I could and SHOULD keep my heart strong regardless of the movement limitations. I knew I could and SHOULD keep my body moving. I knew I could and SHOULD do something. But I knew I had to ask for help.
While delighted to finally put the heart surgeries behind me, I was not prepared for the lengthy set of no-no’s going forward that left me feeling utterly defeated. The surgeon sat before me and as she spoke, it was as though the woman sucked the very soul from my body. No more Olympic lifting. No more heavy shoulder or overhead lifts. No more barbell. No more front-rack anything. No “jerking movements that could potentially dislodge the leads” from my heart walls even after I’ve fully healed.
WTF. I was devastated. I hopped right in my little crockpot and started cooking my sadness on high.
True, I had no intention of becoming a Games athlete, but I had been a member of CrossFit Downriver and thrived under the phenomenal coaching and programming of Head Coach Kirk Said and the many other amazing CFDR Coaches. I had been capable of more than I had ever thought possible in spite of the crappy electrical work in my heart. I had participated in local, just-for-fun competitions and under the guidance and cheers of the Coaches and members, I had become stronger and more fit in just over a year at CFDR than I had with years of other fitness regimens.
That said, participating in more fun competitions topped my list. I had set my mind to cresting that double body weight deadlift this year. I was going to finally have those muscle ups I had been wholeheartedly chasing. In all, with every bit of my grit I was determined to see what more I could do.
Within a few weeks though, it became clear my heart had something else in mind. I felt myself becoming weaker and weaker. I was tired. I wanted to quit. After the procedure (and subsequent limitations), my inner monologue spiraled down to some pretty dark whispers, leaving me questioning whether CrossFit would be a good fit going forward. How could I grow or contribute when I shouldn’t even pick up a barbell? How could I continue getting stronger when the fundamental movements were no longer an option? What the hell COULD I do?
Well, this is what I knew. I knew I could and SHOULD keep my heart strong regardless of the movement limitations. I knew I could and SHOULD keep my body moving. I knew I could and SHOULD do something. But I knew I had to ask for help.
Do you know what happened when I put it out to my Coaches that I had so many “no-no’s”? Immediately, a beautiful network of support and encouragement stepped up to remind me that there were countless ways to perform many of the fundamental movements within my limitations.
Do you know what happened when I put it out to my Coaches that I had so many “no-no’s”? Immediately, a beautiful network of support and encouragement stepped up to remind me that there were countless ways to perform many of the fundamental movements within my limitations. No more barbell? No problem- pick up the dumbbells. No heavy overhead movements? No problem – work within your weight limits and do more repetitions. No more wall balls? No problem – do dumbbell thrusters. No more power cleans? No problem – pick up the dumbbells. See the pattern? For every “NO” I presented, true to the nature of my Coaches, I was immediately presented with a “NO PROBLEM” and a solution. Though some of the movements may be different, my Coaches showed me the silver lining: I was capable of growing stronger, I was a valuable member of CrossFit Downriver, and they would continue guiding and encouraging me every step of the way. Because of them, I knew CrossFit was not just a good fit for me going forward, it was my best fit.
My situation is not unusual. My situation is not a first, nor is it the last. At some point, all of us will face a circumstance beyond our control – physical or emotional – that leaves us feeling limited, defeated, or fighting a heavy sense of loss. We will have to give our bodies a chance to heal, to adapt to a new way of life, or to grieve. But by choosing to exercise our moxie and move forward, living and moving within our limits, we can then allow these situations to refine us, not define us. We then can grow and thrive within our circumstances. And THAT is what resilience is all about.
